I talk about this in a video: The Myth of Self Esteem.

This is one of the few times in these posts that I am going to rant. Self-esteem is one of the worst concepts ever propagated. The notion implies that if I had enough of “X,” then I would have less anxiety, less frustration, and more happiness. “X” can be a material thing, an experience, a relationship–almost anything.

Self-esteem is a subtle form of masking. You are never going to get rid of anxiety or anger.  The whole goal of the reprogramming process is to process anxiety and frustration in a way in which you are fully aware of their effects on your quality of life, so they don’t run your life.

With building self-esteem, you are using rational methods to deal with irrational neurological circuits. There is a complete disconnect. Complete. In fact, the opposite effect occurs. When you actually achieve what you think should alleviate your frustrations and anxiety, you become more frustrated about not being completely relieved of anxiety. Where do you go?  What do you do next?

In my book, “Back in Control,” I talk about my son’s friend Holt.  Holt and my son Nick are world-class mogul skiers.  Much of what goes into the book comes from my experience learning performance techniques that Nick and Holt were using for their skiing.

In 2007, Holt won the national championship in mogul skiing. He says one big reason for his victory was the awareness and visualization techniques presented in my book.  A major principle was letting go of the outcome and performing with freedom.  The more focused he was on winning, the less consistent his performance was.

The day after his victory, he turned to his performance coach, David Elaimy, and me and said, “You were right.  Winning changed my life for about 12 hours.  Life moves on.”

It is excellent to strive for excellence and be a productive human being.  It just has nothing to do with decreasing your anxiety and frustrations.

I have four out of eighty medical school classmates and two close friends that are dead from suicide.  I also know of 11 additional medical colleagues who are also dead from suicide.  The last death happened this year. He had spent the day in surgery with me, shook my hand, walked out, and three hours later shot himself. He was a close colleague and a close friend.

All of them were “living the dream.”  They had education, money, big reputations, beautiful families–the list is endless.  They had enough to have self-esteem.  Yet the anxious, perfectionistic drive that pushed them to the top destroyed them.

People don’t kill themselves because they are depressed.  They kill themselves because they are anxious. They become depressed because they fold under intense anxiety, which is relentlessly progressive.  Suicide is an angry aggressive act.  You just cannot deal with the relentless anxiety.

If you are connected with who you are, then you can create the life you want.  If you are creating a life to fill a hole inside you, it is a major problem.

BF