Like many professionals I know, I was raised in an abusive household.  My mother was physically and emotionally abusive. It was confusing for me to feel like I had a mother who would do anything for her family and then, within seconds, watch her unpredictably fly into a rage lasting several days.  From a young child’s perspective, it was terrifying.

I read a book during my late teens that shed some light on my mother’s behavior.  It is a brilliant book by Scott Peck called “People of the Lie.”  Scott begins the book with a story of a 12 year-old boy who has a near-psychotic break after being given a 22-caliber rifle for Christmas.  His parents are confused because they feel they’re making a positive statement to him. The boy is entering his teen years and his parents want to send him the message that they trust him enough to give him as big a responsibility as owning a gun.  The problem is that it is the same gun his 15 year-old brother used to commit suicide the prior Christmas.

The essence of abuse is being unaware of another person’s needs.  If you are consumed by anxiety and just trying to keep your head above water, there is a high chance you are unable to view a given situation through another person’s eyes.

This is taken a step further with regards to anger.  When you are angry, you cannot see anything clearly.  It is truly all about you.  Anger is temporary insanity, and it is dangerous to interact with people or make decisions in that state of mind.  When you are experiencing chronic pain, you are frustrated and angry much of the time.  You have a legitimate gripe in that your basic need to be pain-free is not being met.  You feel the world, including your family, owes you something. You feel justified when you vent your anger whether it is directed at someone or just expressed.

How do you think your children or partner perceives your mood and actions?  You are frustrated because you have lost control of the pain and your life.  How much control do you think a five-year old has when you are angry or in a rage after yet again being disappointed by the medical world or beat up by the worker’s comp system?

You may not perceive your actions as abusive.  However, I can guarantee you, it is abuse.

I now ask my patients as part of their healing process to ask their family what it is like to be around them when they are upset?  I ask them to visualize scenarios from the receiving parties eyes. The answers are not pretty.

Wake up!  There are 116 million of you in the US suffering from chronic pain.  That is one in three.  If you consider the effect your pain is having on your family, the numbers of people affected have to be well over half of the population.

I now ask my patients to never talk to their family when they are upset.  They have to go to another room or leave the house.  They cannot re-engage until they have calmed down.  You cannot suppress or control anger.  But you don’t have to become a living weapon.  Anger must be dealt with using one of the strategies that have been presented in other parts of this web site.

I only recently figured out that my mother was a chronic pain patient, but I’m not too surprised.

BF