Stage Four: Fourth Step

FAMILY ISSUES

Pain = Frustration.  In chronic pain this frustration is usually intense.  When you are frustrated and angry you are disconnected from what is immediately in front of you.  Your awareness goes to zero.  Lack of awareness is the essence of abuse.  Although you may not see it that way your children are seeing it much differently. When you are angry your children who are completely dependant on you have no control and they are fearful.  At a minimum you have ceased to become the source of peace, joy and happiness within your family.  There is a high chance you are not volunteering to be their coach or taking an active role in their lives.  However it is manifested, chronic pain takes a terrible toll on those close to you. I have several beginning suggestions that I have used with success with my patients:

  • Read the book, “Parent Effectiveness Training” by Dr. Thomas Gordon.   It is a classic and still the book that has made the biggest impact on my life.  It will not only increase your awareness of your children’s needs but also that of your spouse or partner.
  • Do not engage with your family if you are angry—NEVER!!!!  Do not re-engage until you are completely calm.
  • Ask your family what it is like to experience you when you are upset. Pain = Anger = Abuse
    • Write it down and look at it whenever you are tempted to engage them while you are angry.
  • Only listen to your children and never give advice or an opinion unless you are asked. (Hyde School)
  • Work with your family to create a vision of what they would like to have their family life look like.

You need your family for your support.  Do not become a living weapon with them being your target.